Life here as I know it is honestly almost over. There's so little time left. So few days that I'll return home to my little dorm room. The hours that our pictures will hang on my wall are growing limited. It's almost over.
I have this deep feeling of excited nervousness about Yellowstone and all it may or may not bring. I have this image of sitting on the bus, watching Corvallis, Oregon, The Pacific Northwest fading behind me, and a land-locked state of wild blooming into reality before me.
I see trees of green, red roses too.
It's so wonderfully spring here and I love it wholly despite it's instability. Because, hey, aren't we all just a little unstable?
I had a dream about transferring last night, I'm still thinking about it, I'm still not sure. I could, I understand the reasons why it seems like the best possible option, but yet.... I don't know if I want to leave it behind.
It feels better. But I don't know if better is right. When coming from my past, a lot can feel better without being good enough.
I need someone who really knows me to help me figure this stuff out.
But really, I love this campus. And really, I have made friends.
Maybe, I'm just not who I think I am?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
When you can't Breathe
Give me a reason.
Tell me why I should stay. Tell me why I should keep attempting to fit into this social system. I know the amount of angst in this statement, but I honestly don’t fit in.
Nature is so much easier.
Out in the trees, under the sky, there are no false standards. There is no room to be fake or to be shallow. There is only love. There is only respect. There is only truth.
Live with truth.
All around me people are so fake. Life is so shallow. Don’t they understand there is more than popularity? Why can’t they be okay with being alone?
Nature is the solution.
I must break free of these social contracts, these false bonds. I must hike until my legs give out. I must breathe the fresh air until my lungs are full.
Give me love.
If you can honestly wrap our arms around me and make me feel like you will miss me in a sense that it would hurt you, then, then I will stay.
I won’t transfer. I’ll continue in relationships I already know are repeats of what hopefully is not an endless cycle. I’ll continue to be the me I don’t like. The me I respect will continue to only surface in private in the early hours of the morning. I’ll continue to take out loans and to pay them off and be poor for the majority of my life. I’ll keep reassuring others how wonderful it is for me here. I’ll keep putting on a fake smile. I’ll go three more years without love or a hug.
I will return in the fall and remain here for the following semesters. I won’t stay in Yellowstone or live off the land. I’m too responsible for that. I care far too much about what others think then to stop with college now. Dropping music was drastic enough, if I stopped all together it would be too hard to explain. No one would understand. I’d be that kid, the one with potential who burned out in high school. The one everyone thinks they understand but that no one knows.
My soul is hurt right now. It’s down on the ground and it seems more likely to be kicked than to be helped up. I need nature. The trees and water of the McKenzie. The vastness of the ocean. The desolation of Eastern Oregon. The climb up Dimple Hill. The view from Mary’s Peak. I need to sit in your backyard with you. I need you. I need your love. I need the sky and the stars. I need everything I cannot have.
This is just a phase. The quarter life crisis screaming to be heard. Most people go through this. It’s nothing to worry about. It will pass. The rest of the year will finish fast and by next fall I’ll be dying to come back. I’ll greet them happily. I’ll take shots and have fun. I’ll silence my soul for another year.
Hopefully, Yellowstone lets it grow.
Tell me why I should stay. Tell me why I should keep attempting to fit into this social system. I know the amount of angst in this statement, but I honestly don’t fit in.
Nature is so much easier.
Out in the trees, under the sky, there are no false standards. There is no room to be fake or to be shallow. There is only love. There is only respect. There is only truth.
Live with truth.
All around me people are so fake. Life is so shallow. Don’t they understand there is more than popularity? Why can’t they be okay with being alone?
Nature is the solution.
I must break free of these social contracts, these false bonds. I must hike until my legs give out. I must breathe the fresh air until my lungs are full.
Give me love.
If you can honestly wrap our arms around me and make me feel like you will miss me in a sense that it would hurt you, then, then I will stay.
I won’t transfer. I’ll continue in relationships I already know are repeats of what hopefully is not an endless cycle. I’ll continue to be the me I don’t like. The me I respect will continue to only surface in private in the early hours of the morning. I’ll continue to take out loans and to pay them off and be poor for the majority of my life. I’ll keep reassuring others how wonderful it is for me here. I’ll keep putting on a fake smile. I’ll go three more years without love or a hug.
I will return in the fall and remain here for the following semesters. I won’t stay in Yellowstone or live off the land. I’m too responsible for that. I care far too much about what others think then to stop with college now. Dropping music was drastic enough, if I stopped all together it would be too hard to explain. No one would understand. I’d be that kid, the one with potential who burned out in high school. The one everyone thinks they understand but that no one knows.
My soul is hurt right now. It’s down on the ground and it seems more likely to be kicked than to be helped up. I need nature. The trees and water of the McKenzie. The vastness of the ocean. The desolation of Eastern Oregon. The climb up Dimple Hill. The view from Mary’s Peak. I need to sit in your backyard with you. I need you. I need your love. I need the sky and the stars. I need everything I cannot have.
This is just a phase. The quarter life crisis screaming to be heard. Most people go through this. It’s nothing to worry about. It will pass. The rest of the year will finish fast and by next fall I’ll be dying to come back. I’ll greet them happily. I’ll take shots and have fun. I’ll silence my soul for another year.
Hopefully, Yellowstone lets it grow.
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