so you think you can tell, heaven from hell

It's not that I don't know where I am. It's not even that I don't know who I am. It's not that I'd rather be in Yellowstone than here. It's not that I'm unhappy. So, what is it? It's that... this isn't what I expected.
I thought I'd be doing things, finding passion and moving forward. Not secretly looking at his facebook feeling more heartbroken than I'll ever allow myself to admit. Not being so entirely unmotivated. Not spending so much time just sitting on the couch, just laying in bed. Alone. Thinking rather than talking. Sleeping rather than writing. I know where I am, and, while I'm happy here, I want to go somewhere else. I'm just not making any progress towards getting there, because I have no clue where there is.

I never thought the info center would be a problem, but it is.
I never thought I'd still need someone to care about me so badly, but I do.
I thought I'd be strong, confident, and happy, but I'm not.

This isn't depression, this isn't psychosis, this isn't an existential crisis.
Is this, life?
"I leave the party early, at least with no regrets... yeah, this is as good as it gets."

I refuse to believe that. I'll keep holding on to hope, clutching retardedly to that last glimmer of idealism that still burns inside. Because, when that's gone, what's left? You've got to believe that things can get better.

The only thing that always stays the same, is that everything always changes.

I've stopped dreaming about foxes, and now, I kind of miss them.

I need to pick myself up by the seat of my pants, dust myself off and hold my head high.
(Fake it 'til you make it.)

I need to write a paper and study for tests.



I can't read more than a few pages at a time in Desert Solitaire. It's because I can't have the book end, I can't have his season in Arches end. I can't read about the park staying the same, waiting for him to return despite his changes.

I think I'm going to read some Harry Potter (you're shocked, I know.)



There's nothing I wouldn't give right now, to be camping in the trees, sitting in front of a fire, with my tent and the river behind me, the stars and the moon above me.


I need a hug.

Here we are

This feels like home. This feels like the place I want to be at least 95% of the time. However, when I turn off my lights to fall asleep and his arms aren't around me, I want to be back in Canyon. Sometimes, as the sunsets, I would give anything to be anywhere in the Park. Sometimes, I still look at Canyon on the map on my wall and want to go home. But most of the time, being here is so right. Somehow, as soon as I walked into this house, I knew it would be home.

I am ready for life. I went to Yellowstone, and just like I expected, I found myself. There was a piece of me out in Hayden Valley, a piece of me at Artist Point looking at the falls, a piece on Dunraven Pass headed to Tower, a piece out in Lamar Valley. And they all came together and I remembered who I am. I recognized and loved my soul that got so lost at the end of last year. And, better yet, I brought myself home with me. I might have run away to Yellowstone, but in running away, I stopped waiting for someone to find me, I stopped waiting for a miracle, I got out and I got myself out of the forest; found myself.

I still don't know where I'm going, but that's alright, because I know where I am, and I know where I've been. I've got a compass and might even have access to a map.
I don't know where I'm going, but I'm sure as hell not lost. I know the general direction, and I know some possible end points.

I'm happy; I still have shit to work through, but I can do it. "it is not the dark we fear, but the unknown." I'm no longer going to wait for someone else to turn the light on for me; I'm not even going to turn the light on myself... I am going to be the fucking light. I'm ready to shine, to be somebody. I know what is important to me, and I'm going to be important.

Goodbye summer, I'm ready for my real life to begin.

with my feet on the dash

Tell me what to do, because I just don’t know anymore. Take me away from here and let me sit on a rock at the edge of the McKenzie. Let the flow of that water carry away my troubles. Tell me to trust myself. Hold me until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Build a fire to bring light to chase away the demons of the dark. “It is the unknown we fear.” So spread some knowledge, being scared has never suited me much.
I’ve been thinking about the difference between being lost and being found. Because I haven’t been hiding from the past, I know exactly where I’ve come from, and I’m pretty sure I know where I am now. However, it’s the where I’m going, the place I want to be next, that I’m unsure of. So, am I lost? I want to say no, because I know my current location, but what good does knowing where I am do me if I don’t know how to get anywhere else, other than where I’ve been, but that’s not the right direction. I’m pretty sure that makes me lost.

Maybe that’s why I want to go back to Yellowstone so badly. Or at least, that’s the deeper motivator behind all the surface level desires. Because I can retrace that path out of here. But then what? Then I’m just following my footsteps back and forth like a puppet dancing to times ever changing beat. That’s why I can’t go act on the desire to call them and try for a job. That’s why I’m here, because the only direction to move is forward. But sometimes, you’ve got to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. When you struggle against quicksand you just sink faster. Maybe I need to relax and float back to the top.

Two years ago today I never, ever would have imagined that I’d be who I am today. Never would have imagined that I’d be doing what I’m doing or have done a lot of what I’ve done. What will I think two years from now? Time continues to rush past, slapping against me like sand in the wind on the coast. I continue to grow and change and improve and remember and dream.

Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming.

look at the mountains we have climbed

Sometimes you know exactly where you’re starting, and exactly where you’re going to end up. You have a map that shows you how to get there, but still, the journey is nothing like you could have imagined. What about when you don’t know where you are, don’t know how you’ll get there, don’t even know where there is? Not all who wander are lost, but not all who are lost wander. I think I might be lost, but I’m standing perfectly still. Sometimes it’s as if I’m waiting for something to fall down upon me and tell me what to do and where to go. But my life has never been a fairytale and miracles don’t just rain down, pick you up and dust you off. There is no certainty in my life right now “I think I might be lost,” a statement with about as much noncommittal sentiment as there is moldy food in my fridge. I know that uncertainty is what youth, hell, what life, is all about, but there’s not even any certainty in my uncertainty. A year ago, I knew with certainty that my upcoming four months were totally uncertain. Now, I’m just writing certain, certainty and uncertainty over and over again.

Sometimes I think of the park and almost cry. One thing I know is this: I’ve got the Yellowstone-Blues. The feeling of absolute despair that I won’t be there and the constant question of what I’m supposed to do instead. I look at the map on my wall and look at Canyon Village and wonder when if I’ll ever get to go home again. I made this decision and maybe I’m regretting it, but I know if it was the wrong one, I wouldn’t have made it. My gut told me not to go back and I’ve got to trust that. It’d be easier if I had any form of plan though. Maybe the blue sky wouldn’t break my heart so completely if I had anything to hold on to, had anything to be excited and scared about. At times like this, I want to call HR at Xanterra and beg and plead them to give me a job and let me come home. I want to call my mom and tell her she needs to pay my rent because I need to go back into that park and find myself. I think I’m there somewhere, standing on a trail or in the middle of Hayden Valley waiting to be found.

Sometimes at night I can’t when I can’t sleep my mind wanders back into memories. I imagine that I’m in my sleeping bag, falling asleep in my tent smelling like campfire and listening to the Ocean or The McKenzie. I imagine that you’ve hugged me goodnight and told me that you love me. I imagine that there’s a dog lying on my legs. I imagine that I’m in my room in Yellowstone, with the fan blowing and music playing softly. Essentially, I try and trick myself into thinking I’m almost anywhere but here. But, I know that I’m supposed to be here. Even when things go wrong, it’s still right. The campus is still beautiful; there are still professors who believe in me, still a boss who sees my bright future, still friends who care about me, still coworkers who respect me. Even when I want to run away so bad that it physically hurts, I know this is where I belong. Even when I feel upset or stressed or sad I think back to who I was in High School and feel proud of the progress I’ve made. I’m excited to see who I become. And I know, that I can do anything. I miss Yellowstone and I miss loving others. I think I might be lost and I’m left to wonder: am I going to wait to be found, or am I going to get out of the forest and find myself?