with my feet on the dash

Tell me what to do, because I just don’t know anymore. Take me away from here and let me sit on a rock at the edge of the McKenzie. Let the flow of that water carry away my troubles. Tell me to trust myself. Hold me until it doesn’t hurt anymore. Build a fire to bring light to chase away the demons of the dark. “It is the unknown we fear.” So spread some knowledge, being scared has never suited me much.
I’ve been thinking about the difference between being lost and being found. Because I haven’t been hiding from the past, I know exactly where I’ve come from, and I’m pretty sure I know where I am now. However, it’s the where I’m going, the place I want to be next, that I’m unsure of. So, am I lost? I want to say no, because I know my current location, but what good does knowing where I am do me if I don’t know how to get anywhere else, other than where I’ve been, but that’s not the right direction. I’m pretty sure that makes me lost.

Maybe that’s why I want to go back to Yellowstone so badly. Or at least, that’s the deeper motivator behind all the surface level desires. Because I can retrace that path out of here. But then what? Then I’m just following my footsteps back and forth like a puppet dancing to times ever changing beat. That’s why I can’t go act on the desire to call them and try for a job. That’s why I’m here, because the only direction to move is forward. But sometimes, you’ve got to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. When you struggle against quicksand you just sink faster. Maybe I need to relax and float back to the top.

Two years ago today I never, ever would have imagined that I’d be who I am today. Never would have imagined that I’d be doing what I’m doing or have done a lot of what I’ve done. What will I think two years from now? Time continues to rush past, slapping against me like sand in the wind on the coast. I continue to grow and change and improve and remember and dream.

Recently, I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming.