If I leave here tomorrow

My life is all over the place. My life is unknown. My life is wonderful.
My school told me to transfer. Told me I’d do well anywhere and that my life later will be so much better without these loans. Sometimes, when I try really hard I can see myself somewhere else; but I don’t like it. I don’t like the thought of not being back here.



I love this campus so much--- I always have. Always. My own, personal, real life Hogwarts (ps: I LOVE that word accepted Hogwarts as a real word!). I love the way the trees look against the sky at night walking back from dinner. I love walking through the ‘forbidden forest’ and stopping to smell the scent of summer on the bushes. I love the brick buildings and the ivy and the giant sequoia tree. I love how small it is but yet how we still worry about getting across campus in time.

I love the classes and professors here. I don’t know how I would do in huge classes; the largest I’ve ever had here was less than 30. I love that all my teachers know my name, stop to talk to me around campus, and sincerely want me to do well. I love that I have a major, a minor, a four year plan and an advisor who’s awesome.

I love that I can play bass clarinet. I love that my teacher likes me even though she could hate me. I love that I’ m becoming friends with the other people in my studio class. I love that we talk about and imagine what it will be like when we’re all seniors. I love that I’m starting to become better friends with the wind ensemble. I love that I love my band director.

I love that I have a job that is a safe place for me to go. I love that I’ve made such amazing friendships through work and it’s provided me with my needed place to shine. I love how when I’m upset or stressed (if I just took a rough test or had a bad lesson or am tired of the dorm) I can go to the info center and be instantly cheered up. I love that my boss is already planning my future there for the next three years. I love that I will miss working there this summer.

I love the things we do off campus. I love walking though the surrounding neighborhoods on sunny afternoons. I love walking to watch the sunset over the Puget Sound after concert band rehearsal on Wednesdays. I love going out to dinner or walking to the Met to buy food to make. I love driving up to Seattle. I love that tonight I sat with my feet in sand, with the smell and sound of the ocean with a fire roaring while the sunset before the Cascades. I love sitting in the car singing along to The Beatles and bitching about people.

I love that I do well here. I love how things just work out. I love how I am challenged and how I have to work and how sometimes I have to lock myself in my room and read or write or study. I love how I haven’t gotten anything lower than an 84% on anything all semester. I love that I was one of the smart kids in French. I love that if I don’t do anything to my final paper I’ll have a B+ in pysch (so I can easily get an A-). I love that my crazy philosophy professor thanked me for being there to be understanding of his jokes when the other kids were too dumb.

And, most importantly, I love the friends I’ve made here. I love how much we’re going to miss each other this summer and how excited we are to live together next year. I love how many people I will miss having class with and how glad I’ll be that our school is small enough for me to still see them on a regular basis. I love that it’s only been a year but that there are a lot of people graduating who I’ll miss as well. I love that we can do things or not do things and have it be fun. I love how even people I haven’t realized I’m friends with, I am.


I hate that I can’t actually imagine transferring. I hate the thought of not returning, of not graduating on this campus with these people. I hate picturing the conversations I’d have with Sarah, Jennifer, Tim, and Mr. Morris if I had to tell them I wouldn’t be back next semester. I hate thinking that I may never see these people again. I hate that the responsible thing to do is to leave. I hate how badly I want to stay.


But I’m keeping an open mind. We’ll see what the summer brings. We’ll see if I can be an RA junior year and if I can get the school to give me even a little more money.
Overall, this year has been wonderful. At times it’s been the hardest experience of my life. At times I’ve wanted nothing more than anything but this. But most of the time, it’s been amazing. I’ve learned so much about myself, about others, and about life. I’ve had so much fun and I’ve done well. I dove in, I almost ran out of oxygen on the chosen path, I found a new path. I’ve changed, but I’m still the same. I’m just more of who I really am.



I’ve learned that with time all relationships will end up in situations forcing people to show their true colors. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as a full proof plan. I’ve learned not to procrastinate. I’ve learned to believe in what I love. I’ve learned not to expect my mom to be as understanding as I think she is (only since you’re reading this…). I’ve learned that distance does matter.

But, more it’s so much more than what I’ve learned. It’s what I’ve found.
I’ve found a place where I belong. I’m excited for the year to be over. But as I face leaving, as I take things off my walls, I realize I’m already excited for when I get to come back.



And now, I’m going to sleep. In a room that smells like campfire, with a comforter I’ve had since 8th grade and I’m not setting any alarms.
I’m really excited to return to the valley and introduce you to who I’ve become. I know you’ll be proud, because I am. (So, even if you don’t, I could care less.)