so you think you can tell, heaven from hell

It's not that I don't know where I am. It's not even that I don't know who I am. It's not that I'd rather be in Yellowstone than here. It's not that I'm unhappy. So, what is it? It's that... this isn't what I expected.
I thought I'd be doing things, finding passion and moving forward. Not secretly looking at his facebook feeling more heartbroken than I'll ever allow myself to admit. Not being so entirely unmotivated. Not spending so much time just sitting on the couch, just laying in bed. Alone. Thinking rather than talking. Sleeping rather than writing. I know where I am, and, while I'm happy here, I want to go somewhere else. I'm just not making any progress towards getting there, because I have no clue where there is.

I never thought the info center would be a problem, but it is.
I never thought I'd still need someone to care about me so badly, but I do.
I thought I'd be strong, confident, and happy, but I'm not.

This isn't depression, this isn't psychosis, this isn't an existential crisis.
Is this, life?
"I leave the party early, at least with no regrets... yeah, this is as good as it gets."

I refuse to believe that. I'll keep holding on to hope, clutching retardedly to that last glimmer of idealism that still burns inside. Because, when that's gone, what's left? You've got to believe that things can get better.

The only thing that always stays the same, is that everything always changes.

I've stopped dreaming about foxes, and now, I kind of miss them.

I need to pick myself up by the seat of my pants, dust myself off and hold my head high.
(Fake it 'til you make it.)

I need to write a paper and study for tests.



I can't read more than a few pages at a time in Desert Solitaire. It's because I can't have the book end, I can't have his season in Arches end. I can't read about the park staying the same, waiting for him to return despite his changes.

I think I'm going to read some Harry Potter (you're shocked, I know.)



There's nothing I wouldn't give right now, to be camping in the trees, sitting in front of a fire, with my tent and the river behind me, the stars and the moon above me.


I need a hug.