like the hills from Mary's Peak

When I look down, I see my two feet on the ground. I know I’m standing. I know I’m not moving. But the world is spinning around me so fast that I can hardly even breathe.

Maybe if you were here our words passing back and forth between each other could slow it down. I think that if your arms were around me it might reverse.

Maybe when I don’t rise above the situation, and I transfer to OSU or drop out entirely and spend my life in Corvallis; then, maybe, it will stop completely.


As I hold this mirror to your nose to see if you’re breathing. As I see you sit there hating me. As I feel my vision clouding, I can’t help but wonder--- is this really what I’m supposed to be doing? How is this different from home? How can I trust this? Where can I turn when I need someone to listen and hug me and tell me everything will be alright? Even when I don’t believe it I miss hearing it.

I miss walking into lessons and being reassured that I’m capable and worthy. I miss you putting your hand on my shoulder, asking if I’m okay, and saying “I’m here for you, kid.”
I miss sitting in the band hall before games with you, eating La Roca or Subway and laughing. I miss how even when we’d fight you’d make me feel like I was important.
I miss that proud smile you’d give me after I read something on Fridays. I miss how you knew when it was rough and would hold me late to offer a hug.
I miss the time we spent together this summer. I miss how whenever I needed you for anything you’d always be right there.
I miss how we use to talk on the phone so late at night. I miss practically falling asleep to your voice and how you’d always be there to cheer me up.
I miss how you would walk towards me and know immediately if something was wrong. I miss how you knew just what to ask and would hold me until I’d stop shaking.
I miss how we use to walk around Bald Hill in the rain and talk about anything. I miss the feeling that you’d always do anything for me if I needed it.
I miss driving to pit and laughing and feeling confident. I miss walking through the halls and being constantly greeted with reassuring smiles and pats on the back. I miss sitting in your office and crying when you’d put your hand on my shoulder. I miss how everyone in that store believed in me and thought I had such amazing potential. I miss waving goodbye to you in the mornings and how you use to greet me when I’d get home. I miss lying in bed with you at night watching stupid TV shows. I miss walking up the road in the dark under the stars.
I miss walking through the woods with you. I miss how your house smells and how you would hug me and say, “I love you, kiddo.”
I miss getting lunch with you and ranting about anything and everything. I miss going on adventures with you and laughing and having fun and being accepted.
(Why hello, depression, is that you? I’m not too sure, but your darkness does seem familiar…)

It’s really not that bad. It’s just been a couple bad weekends in a row.
I could give out pounds and pounds of raspberries, but I’m going to give a rose instead.
Hey, Info Center, this rose is for you. Thanks for giving me a place where the world turns at the right speed.