Changes

So, I started this blog with the plan of using it to work on writing beautifully. While it will naturally reflect on the recent happenings in my life, it is not designed to be a “here’s what I’ve been up to” type of blog. Hopefully, those happenings will often times be more hinted at than directly or specifically addressed. Just offering a simple explanation, after a handful of posts, before a new year of words begins.


On most holidays I am a much more stereotypical Hallmark American teenager than I would ever like to admit (to myself or others). I enjoy getting presents on Christmas, looking at lights, and listening to music; I like the romance and sweetness of Valentine’s Day; on Easter I hide eggs and eat candy; the list goes on and on. In a sense, New Years is no different.

I’ve never really made resolutions, I’ve never taken seriously the road tradition of wish papers, I’ve never really used it to let something go. School years, even birthdays, marked more of a distinct passing of time than a random night in winter did. The calendar year changes, but not much else. But, every New Years Eve, I can’t help but feel nostalgic, and hopeful. Every year, I sit down and I write about the year that happened, what I remember, what I’ve learned, etc., and, thoughts on what the new year can and will bring.

2009 for me was the year of greatest change. It held more monumental events for me than any other year, almost in all years combined (though that may be a very sentimental over exaggeration). Duke was diagnosed with cancer and after a painful battle I held him in my arms as we put him to sleep. I went to All Northwest. My friends and I finally went on camping trips. A college was decided on. Several monumental relationships were established. My life in the CHS band program ended and then high school. I experienced the first death that would impact me and my life. College started, my (professional—if it can be called that…) music career ended. I made new amazing friendships and fell in love with a new life and a new home. My first semester of college ended and I successfully had what I thought may be an impossible confrontation. While I was already 18 when the year started, this year I became an adult.

But there’s so much more to this past year than those events. There’s how those events shaped me. Because, I can confidently say, I’m a very different person right now than I was a year ago--- more so than ever before. At the risk of being obvious or redundant I won’t go into specifics of what each monument of ’09 did to me. While I think I was pretty strong beforehand, I’m much stronger now. For the first time in almost the full decade, I’m living without a hyperfocused plan. I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I have a lot of things I want to do, and a better understanding about how to live. I’m living for the moment, for the now, not for the next turn of a decade. I have relationships with people that are natural, easy, and rewarding. I’m calmer and much wiser.

The year for me is easiest to think about if split into three sections--- the end of high school, summer, and the start of college. All three sections had their share of shit dark times; the loss of Duke and drama with MP, Danny’s death and job drama, the struggle with music and facing life. There’s no doubt I’m extremely glad to see 2009 become a memory. But I’m also glad for who it turned me into. And I’m not so caught up as to not acknowledge the good times; the overall win of music and graduating, the relationships that were developed and rediscovering my love for nature, friends and a new life. My writing abilities aren’t capable of describing how I’ve changed or who I am now. I know I’m very different, and I like who I am more than I liked who I was. And ultimately, that’s what matters.

So, cheers. 2009 came and went and 2010 will do the same. Here’s to a year of growing and experiencing and learning behind us and to one ahead of us. I’ll remember ’09, but I am extremely excited for what’s ahead.